The Zen of Jonn




This is phallic.


This is yonic.


This is the past few years of my life.



The phallus and the womb are the symbols of male and female, respectively. They are also, in a sense, agression and reception. The philosophy of yin and yang, which also involves these archetypes, states that there is a little bit of yin in yang, and vice versa. That's why no one is completely girly or mannish.

I don't believe in binaries.

Not many of them, anyway.

In the center between the two is a neutral state. This is the aforementioned being passive, not to be confused with being receptive. Receptiveness requires actually inviting something in. Agression does something. Both require initiative.

Passivity just...lies there.

It is easier to decay than to sustain. This is the law of entropy. We know this. A system tends toward the least expenditure of energy. We know this. We have, basically, a passive universe. A null value. The space between the zero and the one.

I've spent the past few years of my life doing what other people, mostly my parents, wanted me to do. I chose graphic design as a major because it would give me an excuse to fool around in Photoshop all day. I went to COB because they said I had to. I took the art program because it was the only thing available. I switched to computers because the art program had me skirting the edge of suicide. I quit that after two semesters when an advisor informed me that I should probably go off to school.

Last November seems so very long ago.

My parents said that if I wanted to go off, I needed to apply. Alright, I made a show of searching online, all the while pursuing my usual e-habits.(more on those later) I filled out an application for two schools, then let it sit for months. I only went for my written Driver's License test when my sister did. More than two years after most of my peers. Online, I curtailed my habits, stuck mostly to snark comms, and barely touched my own artwork or mrRB. It took me weeks to finish the "why should we let you into our school" essay. I still haven't entered the "Previous Schools" section. I was just screwing my courage to the sticking place when I noticed the Internet was down.

">Dear God;

what

-Jonn


I think part of my problem is that I have no goal to work toward. I'm going to college because I have to to get a job because I need to make a living. I'm not sure where this spine seems to have come from, but I'm going to take up Animation as a minor, at least, because random people keep telling me my art style is condusive to it. (And by "random people", I mean "people who come into the store where I work and look at my sketchbook and lying half-hidden on a shelf".) That, and I'm fairly good at imitating writing styles, albeit unconciously; why not try my hand at art? Animators need to draw on-model, and I'm too honest to be an art forger. (Perhaps I should get a perpetually irate British hobo to hit me with a stick.) If my application is too late for the October term, I'll apply for the Janurary and see about taking commisions. Paypal, dA, anything. I need the money. I'm also going to practice my painter-y digital art.

If there's anything I've learned from my two decades upon this mortal coil, it's that if you can't win, change your conditions of victory. I've had nothing to live for for all these years, but I hope to see at my birthday in 2011 free, reasonably Black,and twenty-five. I'm not sure how I'll get there, but, God wot, I'm gonna to find out.

Care to watch?
//ford every stream

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