stopthebloodyLaughing

I close my eyes, put pencil to paper.

I have an alter-ego, that goes in and out with me.

Stevenson's throbbing in my head as I pull myself to my fight. "Who's there?" I call, and the room filled with darkness, spins dizzily away from me.

Suddenly I realaze that there's no light, but I can see myself perfectly clearly.

"Ah," I say. "Dream."

Suddenly, I'm looking at my alter-ego.

He wears, of course, a dark blue hat and t-shirt, the former bearing the legend "63", the latter bearing a pseudoChinese symbol I made up, both in white. His long-sleeved undershirt, his slacks, his shoes-all black.

I can't see his eyes.

<>He won't stop grinning.

'What are you smiling for?' I ask, feeling a simmering rage building. 'You're behind on your schoolwork, your artwork, your school artwork, and several other things. You're too shy to ask for a perfectly good job, you haven't played your videogames in months, and you have a crap PC. You haven't worked on your new comic in about that time, your parents won't let you buy a graphics tablet, and you've done no prep for your future career.'

He keeps smiling.

Jagged lines, smug son of-a-

'Answer me!' I grap his shoulders and shake, not bothering to bite back My Rage, focusing it all on him. 'Answer me!'

He shifts, twists, and blows away, like so much dust.

I stand silent.

"Of course," I say.


1 comments

by Blogger mael brigde at 9:16 PM  
hi, jonn. i haven't come across your blog before--was just randoming my way through blogspot and came across this page.

i read most of jonn, then went to look at your guest book. shew! what a bunch of jerks! well, not all of them of course. but i don't like them slagging you.

i read so much of your blog because i like the way you write, and what you are thinking about and struggling with, including what you were writing when you were 14. i can relate to a lot of it, although i am about 140 now, myself. (okay, okay. 47. sounds frighteningly old, but it didn't seem to take too long to get here. and i still read comics. just got Persepolis today, by marjane satrapi. looks excellent. i also like astro city, wolff & byrd, top ten, berlin, animal man (the early ones), watchmen...)

i'm sorry you and your alter ego aren't getting along too well at the moment. i have figured something out after years of giving myself a hard time for being where i was emotionally. yelling at me only makes it a lot worse. but what else do you do when that's the kind of response we get from the world whenever we're "screwing up"?

it seems to me, though, that if you aren't getting all those things tended to--art and school and the like--it isn't because you OR your alter ego are screwups, it's because something is bothering you. if you can go easy on yourself and listen up, you will eventually feel safe enough to tell you what it is. and then you can start to figure out what you need to do about it. sometimes ALL it takes is admitting to ourselves what is bothering us, and then we are free to carry on.

problem is, if we think that we're going to give ourselves a hard time for our feelings, we are reluctant to let ourselves know what they are. so the little old vicious circle begins.

anyway, i can relate. can i relate.

go easy on jonn, jonn.

maybe come and visit my blog some time. you'd be welcome there.

okay, answers to a couple of your ancient questions:

wimpy.

because he (spider man) IS an animal.

winged night. a moth persona. (her "real" name was stinky--or at least, that's what her dad called her. and in case you don't know which question i'm answering, it's the one about what comic book hero i had imagined for myself. i wrote a bunch of stuff about her a few years ago.)

okay. take care, and don't worry too much about not getting things done. the worst that can happen (i hope!) is that you have an extra year to do them!

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